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Episode 56 - Banner O'Brien by Linda Lael Miller

Banner O'Brien is the worst possible lady doctor in 19th century Washington State, which I guess also makes her the best lady doctor around (but no, she is not good at this doctoring thing.)  Adam Corbin is the biggest assholes in 19th century Washington State and he does have plenty of competition.  They yell.  They slap.  They do it, a lot.  They keep truly amazing secrets from each other.  It's a ride! This book has some pretty serious content warnings - a pretty awful abusive relationship in the past, lots of slapping, disciplinary spanking, racist language and portrayals of racist attitudes towards indigenous and Asian people (the book doesn't condone it but does use some ill-considered words.)  Family gaslighting!  Secret leprosy!  (Yes I did say secret leprosy, keep up.)  It's got a lot going on, but it's one of those "turned up to 11" books where none of this seems particularly realistic.

A United Nations of WTF: Flowers in the Attic International Covers

Thanks for coming, Languages of the World!  I'm glad you all brought your cover ideas for our new Flowers in the Attic releases to show me!  Who wants to go first?

All right, Spanish, let's see what you got!


Spanish this is... this is a little "sympathy card", don't you think?  Or "short religious book your grandma buys you about grief from the hospital gift shop?"


 ...Spanish, this is a mum.   Seriously.  A mum.  Does anybody else have any i-

.... all right, Romania, at least it's a sex flower.  Fine.  Whatever.  Does anybody have any ideas that AREN'T FLOWERS?


... English audiobook, you can go fucking fuck yourself. Okay, NO MORE FLOWERS.  Does anybody have anything a little more orig-

Sigh.  Be careful what you wish for, right?  Polish, that's a perfectly nice attic.

You too, Portugese.

I like the added element of the rope, Spanish.  You're really trying to redeem yourself, aren't you?
Turkish, I dig that you're changing the title and all but can we please have some covers that are about the characters?
JESUS FUCK BULGARIAN that is not what I meant is this a Hawaiian shirt who are these people is this a really cheap soap opera for teenagers no just no also don't think I didn't notice those goddamned flowers
Chinese that is not what an actual face looks like and is this a YouTube makeup tutorial and you are aware that Cathy isn't the villain of the piece, right?

Turkish, are you going for Most Improved?  This is a nice effort!  Centers Cathy's interests and her story.  Nice job.
Chinese!  Didn't think you had it in you after that last one!  This is really great!  Seriously, this is fantastic!

Russian, is this... is this your attempt at recreating the iconic American cover, only making it all kinda weird and a little slutty?
Kinda same idea, Czech?  I like the idea of this one except a) Cathy is clearly NOT in the attic, and b) what's going on with her below the waist?


Is something really gross going on to the left, Dutch?  
Is a rat throwing up a live frog?


French, which one of the toddlers behind Resentful Cathy
is supposed to be her older brother?



French, that is not an improvement.

Greek, you literally just stole the inner cover of the American edition and put it in a fake picture frame.  No.  You get a zero on this one and I am calling your mother this time.

Hungarian, this is just one of those 90's Nancy Drew books. 
You're not fooling anybody.

 Good work, Italian!  I like this one a lot - nice menacing figure, 
but why does Chris have an Afro?


Russian, is this a book about the Holocaust?  This feels like a book about the Holocaust.  Only with also an 80's miniseries going on in the top right.  I think we need to maybe go in a more atmospheric direction like...


 Lithuanian, fair enough.  That is some creepy ass shit.


 GAH WHAT THE FUCK PORTUGUESE


Damn, Spanish!  That's more like it!



Keep at it, Spanish!  I really like how you're 
trying to capture the feel of the book!



 I mean, questionable font choice, but another solid creepsauce Spanish concept!


Vietnamese, did you actually read the assignment?  Who are these kids?  Why does this look like a movie that's probably about missionaries?


Goddamn it, Japanese.  God. Damn. It.

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