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Episode 21: Clan of the Cave Bear

Ayla is an anatomically modern human (is it technically Cro Magnon?  This is set in modern day Ukraine. To the Wikipedia!) orphaned and raised by a tribe of psychic Neanderthals.  This one isn't the one with all the doin' it (evidently that is Valley of the Horses which also has a bunch of blonde dudes who shop at Cave-REI), it's the one with a ton of rape and abuse in it. (A note: the cave I was talking about extensively is Shanidar.  Shalimar is, of course, a perfume.  Apologies.) So the fun thing about this book, and the factor that I know made everybody's mom love it, is the great research Auel put into it.  (Shades of Savage Ecstacy, y'all.)  She really knew her shit, at least about the state of research into Homo neanderthalensis in the late 70's - but since then there have been amazing finds and a lot of research using tools unavailable when Auel started writing.  Some of which, by the way, match her fiction.  (Uh, not the psychic part.  But the fucking…

A United Nations of WTF: Flowers in the Attic International Covers

Thanks for coming, Languages of the World!  I'm glad you all brought your cover ideas for our new Flowers in the Attic releases to show me!  Who wants to go first?

All right, Spanish, let's see what you got!

Spanish this is... this is a little "sympathy card", don't you think?  Or "short religious book your grandma buys you about grief from the hospital gift shop?"

 ...Spanish, this is a mum.   Seriously.  A mum.  Does anybody else have any i-

.... all right, Romania, at least it's a sex flower.  Fine.  Whatever.  Does anybody have any ideas that AREN'T FLOWERS?

... English audiobook, you can go fucking fuck yourself. Okay, NO MORE FLOWERS.  Does anybody have anything a little more orig-

Sigh.  Be careful what you wish for, right?  Polish, that's a perfectly nice attic.

You too, Portugese.

I like the added element of the rope, Spanish.  You're really trying to redeem yourself, aren't you?
Turkish, I dig that you're changing the title and all but can we please have some covers that are about the characters?
JESUS FUCK BULGARIAN that is not what I meant is this a Hawaiian shirt who are these people is this a really cheap soap opera for teenagers no just no also don't think I didn't notice those goddamned flowers
Chinese that is not what an actual face looks like and is this a YouTube makeup tutorial and you are aware that Cathy isn't the villain of the piece, right?

Turkish, are you going for Most Improved?  This is a nice effort!  Centers Cathy's interests and her story.  Nice job.
Chinese!  Didn't think you had it in you after that last one!  This is really great!  Seriously, this is fantastic!

Russian, is this... is this your attempt at recreating the iconic American cover, only making it all kinda weird and a little slutty?
Kinda same idea, Czech?  I like the idea of this one except a) Cathy is clearly NOT in the attic, and b) what's going on with her below the waist?

Is something really gross going on to the left, Dutch?  
Is a rat throwing up a live frog?

French, which one of the toddlers behind Resentful Cathy
is supposed to be her older brother?

French, that is not an improvement.

Greek, you literally just stole the inner cover of the American edition and put it in a fake picture frame.  No.  You get a zero on this one and I am calling your mother this time.

Hungarian, this is just one of those 90's Nancy Drew books. 
You're not fooling anybody.

 Good work, Italian!  I like this one a lot - nice menacing figure, 
but why does Chris have an Afro?

Russian, is this a book about the Holocaust?  This feels like a book about the Holocaust.  Only with also an 80's miniseries going on in the top right.  I think we need to maybe go in a more atmospheric direction like...

 Lithuanian, fair enough.  That is some creepy ass shit.


Damn, Spanish!  That's more like it!

Keep at it, Spanish!  I really like how you're 
trying to capture the feel of the book!

 I mean, questionable font choice, but another solid creepsauce Spanish concept!

Vietnamese, did you actually read the assignment?  Who are these kids?  Why does this look like a movie that's probably about missionaries?

Goddamn it, Japanese.  God. Damn. It.


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